Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
