After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
