Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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