FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
