haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
