mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
