Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
