can u get pink eye on your cock?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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