you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
