True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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