I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
