I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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