It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
