I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
