i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
