my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
