I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
