My liver just broke up with me...
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
