So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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