we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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