i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
