Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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