see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
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i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
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Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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