I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
