why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I enjoy the company of your penis
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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