I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
