why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
