Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
