so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Randomize
