im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
