I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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