I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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