i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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