Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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