i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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