I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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