I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
