my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
