I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
