You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
