At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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