Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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