I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
