i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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