you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
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