I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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