Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
