not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
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we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
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I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
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