I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
