So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
