If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
