i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
