Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
