If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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