i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
