Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
