i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
